Hey ladies, this morning I spoke at the Mercy Ministries house here in BC and thought it might help you out to actually know more details to my story. I just want to share it so that if you have or are struggling with something, know you are NOT ALONE.
About four years ago I just completed my first year of school at Columbia Bible College in Abbotsford, and had of course gained the “freshmen 15”. How it happened? Late night pizza runs, daily delectable desserts that consisted of more than the moderate amount, and then a lack of movement (aka. Studying, sleeping, not much exercise, studying, sleeping and eating a lot more carbs from the cafeteria)
So as I had gained a little bit of weight, my mind began to be consumed with losing weight, and exercising. I started to exercise 6 days a week, however long I was able to each day, as well as cut calories without losing energy. I still ate food, yet I had believed that in order to be beautiful I needed to be skinny. So, in order to be skinny, I needed to exercise a lot, and eat as “healthy” as I possibly can.
Now for some of you, you may hear this and say, “Wow, that’s not that outrageous, you could have done a whole lot worse.” Yet, the truth is, I wasn’t doing any of this because I wanted to take care of my body in a good way. I was doing this so that I would look like the women in People Magazine, or Cosmopolitan. Being that I’ve always had a booty, and my body shape is similar to J-Lo’s, I thought I needed to get even skinnier, to look like she does in the movies. What a lie! I was believing that who I am not good enough, therefore I need to become what the world says is beautiful. I need to fit into that mold. My butt needs to get smaller, my arms need to be more toned, my stomach needs to be tighter, and goodness we have got to get rid of that cellulite.
This is when the spiral downward began. For about nine months, my life was consumed with exercise and counting calories. I had gone back to school for my second year and wanted to prove to everyone that “I exercise and eat less than you do.” Because the lie that I had believed was, “You are only beautiful if you exercise a lot and eat really healthy.”
I began to obsess over when I was going to eat next and what that would be. I lived in yoga pants and a sweatshirt so that I could hit the gym in between classes. My conversations became really difficult because I wasn’t able to concentrate on anything other people were saying. I was always thinking about my body, food, and exercise. I started talking all the time about food, and constantly putting myself down verbally. You know the lines, “Oh I am so fat. I’m so fat in this. I am so ugly. Yuck, I hate what I see in the mirror. If I eat this, my butt is going to grow an inch this minute”. As funny as that sounds, I actually believed it. At times when I would lie down to go to sleep, I thought I could actually feel my body getting bigger. I thought my underwear were always getting tighter, which means I was getting bigger. Reality was falling further and further away, and I was become more and more unhealthy.
So how on earth did I get out of that dark whole? It was a really long fight, and it still continues today. I remember one night talking to a good friend of mine, who is now my husband, and telling him about my fear of getting fat, of being overweight, or obese. I remember him telling me how unhealthy I was on the inside, even though I seemed to be healthy on the outside. One evening I had been invited to go to a cheesecake dessert party. I turned down the invite because I had already had my cookie, my dessert for the day, and there was no way I was going to indulge a little for that week. I mean, I think we all know what would have happened to in my mind if I had eating any of that cake. Frustration, depression, disgust with myself of “going over board”. There’s another lie!
That’s when I knew I had a problem. I could even hear my Mom saying to me, “Don’t you ever go anorexic on my Britt, and come to me when you start to struggle.” See, I had been a ballerina for about 5 years from the age of 3. I was then a cheerleader throughout high school. I had been surrounded by insecurities, lies, and deception for a very long time. I had allowed myself to believe that I needed to be skinny, to be beautiful.
I started going through some prayer counseling, and regular counseling. I had even gone to the doctor to get my anxiety medication tweaked. (That’s a whole other story, but I’ve struggled with anxiety my whole life) Because of my eating disorder, and mix of anxiety, I was not able to mentally work through any of my struggles because of the chemical imbalance in my brain. I had so much noise inside, and needed the help of some medication in order to be in the right mindset to actually work through the lies I had come to believe about my body.
Through out that journey, I somehow came across Psalm 139. This was a verse that I used to literally transform my way of thinking. God’s truth spoke so deeply into my heart from this verse, that I began to open my eyes to see how beautiful I actually was.
Psalm 139:13-16 “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful. I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of the came to be.”
I came to realize the body God had given me, was perfect with every imperfection. I was created to be exactly this way because God sees it at beautiful. He is the artist, and I am the artwork that he looks upon with such satisfaction and joy. How can I not allow that truth to speak to my soul? I began to unravel each and every lie I had begun to believe, and see that they had only brought pain, depression, and emptiness. Yet, when I allowed myself to believe the truth, that I am beautiful just the way I am, my life was filled with more joy and peace than I could every imagine.
Now to be honest, the battle is still strong. I continue to seek God for that joy and peace because the lies of this world are so loud. They are so strong. They are everywhere. There are seasons in my life where I have to get on my hands and knees daily to ask God to help me feel beautiful. Sometimes I write verses about my beauty on the mirror in my bathroom. Sometimes I had to take some time away from watching TV and movies, so that I can remember what true beauty is, not what beauty is according to The Hills, or Laguna Beach. I have come to a place where I enjoy exercise, and am still only exercising 3-4 days a week. That’s the limit I was put on in my counseling, and that limit has allowed my mind that can easily obsess, to live in the freedom that comes from only 3-4 days of exercise. I have seasons where I notice I am eating a little too unhealthy because I have been able to experience the freedom from those counting calories days. So it’s a constant battle to remember to eat healthy, and take care of my body because I am God’s piece of art. I am his beautiful creation.
So now that my mind has been transformed, I am able to see the truth that I am beautiful. And when I have those days where I feel a little larger, a little thicker, I look at how I am living. Am I eating healthy, am I exercising at a healthy amount? If not, I know where I need to make changes to be HEALTHY. If I am, then I know I need to work on my heart and my mind. I need to dig in and see what lies I am starting to believe. I don’t want you to sit here and think this is a constantly difficult battle. It’s not CONSTANT. It does poke its nose in here and there, but I have now been given the tools to battle it and conquer it.
I believe that each one of you are now learning the tools and will come to a place where you can battle your struggles and conquer it. Keep your eyes on Jesus, for he is the author and profector of our faith. He is the creator of our beautiful bodies.
Praying for you guys!
Britt
About four years ago I just completed my first year of school at Columbia Bible College in Abbotsford, and had of course gained the “freshmen 15”. How it happened? Late night pizza runs, daily delectable desserts that consisted of more than the moderate amount, and then a lack of movement (aka. Studying, sleeping, not much exercise, studying, sleeping and eating a lot more carbs from the cafeteria)
So as I had gained a little bit of weight, my mind began to be consumed with losing weight, and exercising. I started to exercise 6 days a week, however long I was able to each day, as well as cut calories without losing energy. I still ate food, yet I had believed that in order to be beautiful I needed to be skinny. So, in order to be skinny, I needed to exercise a lot, and eat as “healthy” as I possibly can.
Now for some of you, you may hear this and say, “Wow, that’s not that outrageous, you could have done a whole lot worse.” Yet, the truth is, I wasn’t doing any of this because I wanted to take care of my body in a good way. I was doing this so that I would look like the women in People Magazine, or Cosmopolitan. Being that I’ve always had a booty, and my body shape is similar to J-Lo’s, I thought I needed to get even skinnier, to look like she does in the movies. What a lie! I was believing that who I am not good enough, therefore I need to become what the world says is beautiful. I need to fit into that mold. My butt needs to get smaller, my arms need to be more toned, my stomach needs to be tighter, and goodness we have got to get rid of that cellulite.
This is when the spiral downward began. For about nine months, my life was consumed with exercise and counting calories. I had gone back to school for my second year and wanted to prove to everyone that “I exercise and eat less than you do.” Because the lie that I had believed was, “You are only beautiful if you exercise a lot and eat really healthy.”
I began to obsess over when I was going to eat next and what that would be. I lived in yoga pants and a sweatshirt so that I could hit the gym in between classes. My conversations became really difficult because I wasn’t able to concentrate on anything other people were saying. I was always thinking about my body, food, and exercise. I started talking all the time about food, and constantly putting myself down verbally. You know the lines, “Oh I am so fat. I’m so fat in this. I am so ugly. Yuck, I hate what I see in the mirror. If I eat this, my butt is going to grow an inch this minute”. As funny as that sounds, I actually believed it. At times when I would lie down to go to sleep, I thought I could actually feel my body getting bigger. I thought my underwear were always getting tighter, which means I was getting bigger. Reality was falling further and further away, and I was become more and more unhealthy.
So how on earth did I get out of that dark whole? It was a really long fight, and it still continues today. I remember one night talking to a good friend of mine, who is now my husband, and telling him about my fear of getting fat, of being overweight, or obese. I remember him telling me how unhealthy I was on the inside, even though I seemed to be healthy on the outside. One evening I had been invited to go to a cheesecake dessert party. I turned down the invite because I had already had my cookie, my dessert for the day, and there was no way I was going to indulge a little for that week. I mean, I think we all know what would have happened to in my mind if I had eating any of that cake. Frustration, depression, disgust with myself of “going over board”. There’s another lie!
That’s when I knew I had a problem. I could even hear my Mom saying to me, “Don’t you ever go anorexic on my Britt, and come to me when you start to struggle.” See, I had been a ballerina for about 5 years from the age of 3. I was then a cheerleader throughout high school. I had been surrounded by insecurities, lies, and deception for a very long time. I had allowed myself to believe that I needed to be skinny, to be beautiful.
I started going through some prayer counseling, and regular counseling. I had even gone to the doctor to get my anxiety medication tweaked. (That’s a whole other story, but I’ve struggled with anxiety my whole life) Because of my eating disorder, and mix of anxiety, I was not able to mentally work through any of my struggles because of the chemical imbalance in my brain. I had so much noise inside, and needed the help of some medication in order to be in the right mindset to actually work through the lies I had come to believe about my body.
Through out that journey, I somehow came across Psalm 139. This was a verse that I used to literally transform my way of thinking. God’s truth spoke so deeply into my heart from this verse, that I began to open my eyes to see how beautiful I actually was.
Psalm 139:13-16 “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful. I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of the came to be.”
I came to realize the body God had given me, was perfect with every imperfection. I was created to be exactly this way because God sees it at beautiful. He is the artist, and I am the artwork that he looks upon with such satisfaction and joy. How can I not allow that truth to speak to my soul? I began to unravel each and every lie I had begun to believe, and see that they had only brought pain, depression, and emptiness. Yet, when I allowed myself to believe the truth, that I am beautiful just the way I am, my life was filled with more joy and peace than I could every imagine.
Now to be honest, the battle is still strong. I continue to seek God for that joy and peace because the lies of this world are so loud. They are so strong. They are everywhere. There are seasons in my life where I have to get on my hands and knees daily to ask God to help me feel beautiful. Sometimes I write verses about my beauty on the mirror in my bathroom. Sometimes I had to take some time away from watching TV and movies, so that I can remember what true beauty is, not what beauty is according to The Hills, or Laguna Beach. I have come to a place where I enjoy exercise, and am still only exercising 3-4 days a week. That’s the limit I was put on in my counseling, and that limit has allowed my mind that can easily obsess, to live in the freedom that comes from only 3-4 days of exercise. I have seasons where I notice I am eating a little too unhealthy because I have been able to experience the freedom from those counting calories days. So it’s a constant battle to remember to eat healthy, and take care of my body because I am God’s piece of art. I am his beautiful creation.
So now that my mind has been transformed, I am able to see the truth that I am beautiful. And when I have those days where I feel a little larger, a little thicker, I look at how I am living. Am I eating healthy, am I exercising at a healthy amount? If not, I know where I need to make changes to be HEALTHY. If I am, then I know I need to work on my heart and my mind. I need to dig in and see what lies I am starting to believe. I don’t want you to sit here and think this is a constantly difficult battle. It’s not CONSTANT. It does poke its nose in here and there, but I have now been given the tools to battle it and conquer it.
I believe that each one of you are now learning the tools and will come to a place where you can battle your struggles and conquer it. Keep your eyes on Jesus, for he is the author and profector of our faith. He is the creator of our beautiful bodies.
Praying for you guys!
Britt
